


i feel so broke up, i want to go home (let me go home)

by barrisscoffees



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: depression tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 13:18:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11898543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barrisscoffees/pseuds/barrisscoffees
Summary: Ahsoka is drowning. Drowning.





	i feel so broke up, i want to go home (let me go home)

“Ahsoka?” A voice asked, breaking through the fog “Are you alright?”

“What - oh, yeah, of course.” Ahsoka, of course, was perfectly aware that she was lying. For years it was as if a cloud had descended upon her, but life at the Temple had seemed to keep it at bay; despite the nightmare of war, Ahsoka at least had some clarity. Ever since leaving, though, the hollowness in Ahsoka’s stomach welled larger and larger, and the clouds which had once dotted the horizon grew denser and darker until all she could see in any direction was interminable emptiness.

She existed in a daze for days at a time when even the act of compulsory smiling was just too _difficult_. So, _smile for thank you_ , and the second she would look away it would drop - farther and farther each time until she would be left staring agape at nothing, moving towards nothing.

And maybe for a day or two the light would tear the clouds apart, and Ahsoka would feel _good_. ‘Good’ as the simple absence of ‘bad,’ like darkness is simply an absence of light. She might think to herself in those few days that she was being ridiculous and how could she have ever thought that she could feel terrible forever. And if she ever started to feel bad again, she would know this time that there was light to look forward to.

Then the smallest of things would set her spiraling back down - once somebody used her wrench ( _Mine_ she had wanted to scream _mine mine mine_ ), once she tripped over loose gravel, once the restaurant was out of her favorite food (she was _crushed_ ; she wanted to sink into the floor) - and all she could think about again was wanting to _die_. Everything was a reason to _die_. Then all thoughts of the sun were snuffed out and no matter how hard her brain screamed that better days _must_ be coming, she couldn’t make herself feel it.

Everything was so vast and so empty the only way out seemed to be death. She just wanted it to _end_. She was suffocating. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t think. She was being crushed. She couldn’t breathe. She was dying. Dying. Dying.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, no reason.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fun one I call untreated depression!!
> 
> Real talk though, depression incredibly debilitating. For more information check [here](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml)
> 
> Ignoring and refusing to talk about depression is not healthy, please find someone to contact in the case you are experiencing symptoms. I'm always available to talk if no one else!
> 
> Anyways, thanks to all who review or leave kudos, you're the best!  
> Much love to thedorkyastra, and thanks to Edith, my good friend, my buddy, my homie.  
> Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://barrisscoffees.tumblr.com/)!!!!


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